Have you ever thought “I can handle this on my own!” Perhaps you even believed that you should do it on your own without relying on others. This idea is also proselytized when it comes to self-reliance, growing up, "adulting" and DIY culture. If you believe becoming independent is a worthy goal, if not an outright requirement of life, then you've unwittingly bought into the popular myth and idolization of the independent (wo)man. Continuing to hold this belief could lead you down a path to a lonely life filled with regretful mistakes.
Independence is an Impossible, Undesirable Goal
I once thought independence was a virtue to aspire to. What I realized is that on a horizontal spectrum of being completely dependent to completely independent, the sweet spot was much closer to dependent.
The idea that “I should do it by myself” is completely the wrong approach. Some people put high expectations on themselves in being able to manage it all on their own, which inevitably leads to burnout and self-doubt. You might believe you’re a failure if you can’t fix your own problems and have to depend on others. Have you ever thought, “If I ask for help, I’m burdening someone’s life and will become an unwanted nuisance”? That might have led you to firmly telling yourself that you should go at it all on your own. Does this resonate with you?
But everybody gets help in their lives. In fact, you already depend on people every day. Did you build the roof over your head? Did you build the road you drive on? The car you drive? Do you treat yourself if you’re really sick? Do you grow your own food?
As you can see, you’ve already relied on the help of hundreds if not thousands of people just for your continued existence. I firmly believe there is actually very little that we can do by ourselves. This isn’t a bad thing. So it’s completely natural to be dependent on others.
If you want to eat bolognese sauce pasta while being independent, at the minimum you will have to raise your own cattle and process the meat, grind the raw grains to make flour, knead and cut the dough, and grow your own herbs and onions. What about generating your own power and crafting your own pots and pants? Why would you want to do all this? If you’re thinking “Obviously I’d never do all of that on my own,” apply this example of doing everything on your own to other areas of your life and you might realize that you are in fact making your own bolognese sauce pasta.
If you rely on store bought meat and pasta but you cook it yourself, is that independence? What if you're using pre-washed, pre-cut ingredients? What if you're microwaving food? What is the line between dependence and independence? Clearly any such boundaries are completely arbitrary.
You see how it’s impossible to be independent? You can begin to see why attempting to live up to something impossible leads to mental havoc, a wrecked self-esteem and negative self-talk. The independence ideology is not only totally wrong but also dangerous. If you’re pressured to be all do all, then no wonder you question your self-worth and feel exhausted, anxious and insecure.
Everybody in life is dependent on each other, that’s why we formed a SOCIETY. You wouldn’t have even been born if your ancestors were not dependent on others for help.
I truly hope I’ve convincingly crushed this fatal idea. Please tweet at me if I haven't. Now let’s learn how to lead a healthier, more victorious life.
Dependence is a Healthy, Desirable Goal
The most successful people in the world are the most dependent. This fundamental truth escapes so many of us it’s worth repeating. The MOST successful people in the world are the MOST dependent.
Let’s look at the wealthiest human in the world, Elon Musk. He is by no coincidence also one of the most dependent people in the world, which is a big reason he is so successful. Every day he relies on countless suppliers, friends, family, freelancers and over 100,000 full time employees. He has proudly given praise to these people and has recognized the impossibility of his achievements without them. He has also relied on funding from investors, loans from banks, incentives from governments and a global network of supporters, advisors and mentors. Musk went all in on dependence and the results speak for themselves.
What can asking for maximum help do for your life? How much help are you currently seeking in life? I can guarantee you could ask for a lot more and consequently become more successful.
Those who enjoy the craziest success are the most shameless about asking for support
When you take out a loan, you repay it with interest, and when you hire employees, you grant them salaries and benefits. So maybe you are thinking this doesn’t apply to “free” help. Not at all. The happiest people in life lean on their closest friends. They join clubs and groups. They seek mentors and reach out to complete strangers who've been through a similiar situation for advice.
Seeking help is not a weakness but a strength. Do you like to help others? Because, if you do, it's only fair to let others help you as well.
Think about the times you've supported people. You didn't help them so they could feel grateful to you. You helped them because you felt it’s the right thing to do, useful and happy. You got to learn more about yourself. You helped because you wanted to.
Supporting people is the most satisfying and uplifting thing you can do. It's something every philanthropist understands. If you let others help you, you will be uplifting others. It is a true win win situation. You are not a burden for asking for help. You are empowering others by making them happy. Think about why there are millions of mentors out there providing assistance for free. It is deeply fulfilling to be of service to others. So let people help you.
I'm even willing to bet that there are more people who are looking to help than those actively seeking help. What percent of high school seniors do you think send cold emails to people they admire for advice? Or even just reach out to a college freshman?
Maybe when we’re children and forced to do the chores, we fall into the trap of believing that by the time we’re a “real” adult, you must be able to do everything by being a handyman, mechanic, launderer, organizer and cook all in one! But you don’t and shouldn’t. You should be spending your precious time creating for other people and building meaningful relationships.
Millions of people are ready and hoping to be able to help you. Don’t worry if you don’t know a thing about taxes. Accountants love thinking about taxes! And if you want to start a business but not sure how, you’re entitled to get free consultations from the tax funded Small Business Administration and non-profit business organizations.
Don’t try to fix a problem on your own. Work through them together with coaches and mentors. Don’t bottle up your emotions. Share them with your therapist and friends. Be proud to ask for a lot help because others will be grateful for the opportunity and you’ll be much richer and happier.
This is a life changing idea that could improve the lives of so many people. So if this article made you rethink independence, don't keep it to yourself! Share it with your friends and family. And if you have ideas to make this article more persuasive, please let me know @NWExplained. I depend on your help!
